The Journey Begins Anew

The Church

2009-09-01T21:14:00.002-06:00

The word "church" can have many different definitions. Ask anyone what they think "the church" is and you'll have a lot of differences of opinions to sort through. But what does the bible say? This is what we as a congregation at Rosewood are going to be looking at over the next couple weeks. We started this past weekend and I was asked to write a piece to start of the new series. As I began thinking about it, I became a little disappointed in the "church" these days. I think we've lost the vision that Christ laid out. I know I don't know a whole lot theologically, but well I'll let my piece speak for itself.

The Church

The church, what is it
that quick quip
had me sit quick and think
and what I came up with
were common metaphorical links
and the first goes like this
The church is the body of Christ
well if the church is a body
maybe I'm a vocal box
blessed with a gift to spit
and a talent for talk
words used to encourage or shock
but hold up
I'm getting ahead of myself
the church is the body of Christ
I had to look deeper at that
so back down I sat
and honestly now
I'm a little mad
see upon some inspection
and a little mental reflection
I have come to a conclusion that
my vocal inflection
must mention this question
if the church is a body
why do we seem inflicted with infection
quarantined behind our walls
determined to proudly walk the halls
of a building we claim is the church
but the church ain't stone or wood
or the concrete under foot
its our bones and our flesh
the blood in our veins
and the decision we've made
called to go and make disciples
not come all dressed in nice clothes
and I must say
if the church is a body
why do our hands seem balled into fists
quick to fight and judge
and so slow
to be the physical manifestation
of the holy one above
and simply show the world Christ's love
and why do our feet
seem so prone to run
one pointed to the right
the other pointed to the left
why do our eyes seem blind
and our ears seem deaf
if the church is the body of Christ
we sure seem to have put ourselves
in an ugly mess
so lets take a look at metaphor two
and hope that perhaps we'll have some better success
the church is the bride
and God is her groom
but almost to easily
I spied a problem here too
if we are the bride
are we pure enough to wear white
or even a color
that's similar and light
or do we have the idea
so far out of whack
that the only color we're fit for
is a dress made of black
but the church is the light
you could argue right back
and you might just be right
but what good is a light
when its hidden in the day
and concealed in the night
or what about
the church is the salt
but even in that
I manage to find fault
if salt isn't salty
that metaphors faulty
lets look at it this way
when I was hungry did you feed me
when I was thirsty did you give me drink
when I was a stranger did you shelter me
this is what we should be
not concerned with
whether or not I rock a hat
but concerned with the man at the back
who just happened to come in
convicted of his sin
and looking for help
not looking only towards our next event
but looking at the hungry homeless
and the few dollars we could have spent
or better yet
our time
but we seem scared away
by the dirt and the grime
Jesus led by example
hung with tax collectors and whores
but to some of you
the fact that I just said that
seems to matter more
We need to refocus
cuz many who cry
Lord! Lord!
he won't know us

-William Brown (Aug 2009)

Hopeless

2009-07-05T22:46:00.002-06:00

So I was asked to write a piece influenced from the scripture found in 1st Kings 19:4 ( I believe its 4 ). Elijah is sitting under a tree praying for God to take his life. This is what I came up with, I hope that it can be used to give hope to someone who maybe finds themselves in a hopeless state at the moment. Here ya go...

This is a parental advisory
cuz I'm about to undress my heart
and let you see the real me
I'm about to expose my mind
bare my soul
and let you feel me
and there's some probability
that the words that I speak
will leave you angry with me
see there's a possibility
that a condition
that you've managed to keep hidden
is exactly the sickness
I'm expressing in this written
and as I stand here
and spit this so blatantly
it might cause you
to curse under your breath at me
see you might have to put on a happy face
and say things like
that poor boy
or
I can only imagine what that must taste like
but if you've never felt this stress
if you've never been so utterly hopeless and depressed
that you simply want the rythem in your chest to end then
you
are
blessed
I've failed that test with flying colors
and I can say with one hundred percent certainty
that I am not alone
there are others
others who have wished to
inhale and exhale their finale
to finally find the footnotes
of their life
and finish their final chapter
others who have dreamed
to be by Gods side
or perhaps I'm putting this to eloquently
and simply should say
others
who have wished to die
and I admit that I am one of them
I have stared at a blade
and consciously made the decision
to drag it across my flesh
I have considered
at what velocity
to approach an immovable object
in a motorized vehicle
so I would no longer have to feel
and I have debated
as to how far off a recommended dose is
from healing
to killing whats left
I have faced suicide from both sides of the coin
from finding a man that I adore
lying on the floor
gasping for his very breath
to forcefully fighting a knife
from a hand
that begged me to let it stay
I have looked hopelessness
in the eye
one to many times for my liking
and so I stand up here exposed
with this mic
and say to those who know
all to well the pain that flows
from the loss of hope
and say that
you are not alone
we all cling to this iconic imagery
of Christ Jesus
arms spread wide
hanging from a tree
but seem to lose sight
of the hope that this image
is supposed to give
to you and to me
we are not alone.

So there ya have it. Keep in mind its written to be spoken and its hard to write emotion into printed text. I am working on getting an mp3 copy. I'll post if I manage to get one if you're interested.

My Space.

2009-06-24T22:28:00.002-06:00

Six and a half billion people on this planet
This celestial ball
with only so much land to span it
shared by every nation, culture, creed and race
all vying for their slice
of this relatively small place
clinging to some claim of ownership
grabbing hold of their individuality
with a tightly held grip
Now, I can't speak for theirs
or for yours
but I can speak
for my case
and this
this is my space
so respect it
and in case it was in question
I expect a three foot span
in every direction
I'm talking to you close speakers
unless you have a secret
and its important
I can hear it
from that distance
so quit it
and all you touchy people
this is just a warning
its uncomfortable
not to the point of insufferable
but definitely unenjoyable
so please
stop if your able
Now there are exceptions to every rule
but if you assume that that's true for you
it makes an...
well it makes an angry person outta me
and a fool outta you
now I know I know I'm coming across as rude
or cold or unaffectionate
but lets place a bet on this
if someones up in your face
so close that you can taste
their last meal
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say
you'd feel the same way
but like I said
I can only speak for my case
and this
this is my space
and in case it was in question
I expect some intellectual discretion
when it comes to your expressions
of opinions and reflections on
how I wear the hair on my face
or my style or taste
I'm not some carbon copy trace
of what you think I should be
I am simply and purely me
and maybe you disagree
with the clothes that I wear
or the art my body bares
but
ask my nicely
and you'll find out
that I really don't care
cuz I cling to that same claim of ownership
and I've got my individuality
by the scruff of the neck
and I'm holding it
I know who I am
and you only have as much influence on that
as I allow you to
from absolutely zero
to the depths of a select few
see I've found my slice
of this small place
it stands about five eight
a buck eighty five is its weight
and its great
to stand here before you
and say
that this
this is my space
can you claim the same.

-William Brown (2008)

Epic Fail.

2009-03-08T14:31:00.002-06:00

So apparently I once again dropped the ball on this whole updating thing, I don't have a lot to type, my life isn't overly exciting and I haven't had any deep thoughts to share, so I've decided to just throw a piece I wrote up on here and let ya have a little read.

"Can you hear me now"

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!

my throat is raw
as I continue to yell
unable to tell
I throw up my arms
and throw out my voice
waiting for a hint of a sign
that you hear me

still nothing

and as I feel the sting of defeat
I retreat to a place
dimly lit and secluded
away from prying eyes
and cry
and fall to my knees
with no strength left
to hold my head high

chin to chest
I seek your rejuvinating rest
my voice a mere crack
as one last time I ask
can you hear me now

I sit there in silence
and search my mind
in a feeble attempt to discover
and adequate place to start

I wish I could find
a way to hide what I've done
from your eyes
the damage of lies
and pain caused by pride
but my hands are small

incapable

I fall

It's me again
slipped, tripped
fell flat on my face
and in search of a friend

I need you
I can't do this on my own
I'm weak
despite the bright face
and confident words I speak
I'm controlled by fear

and so I release this prayer
with a shed tear
and in my humble silence
you respond
"Now I hear"

-William Brown ( 2008 )

Well Hope you enjoyed it, Perhaps I'll have something to post soon, or maybe it'll just end up being another piece, who knows :p

Mexico - Oct 21st

2008-11-30T23:39:00.003-06:00

We did not sleep in today. We met in the foyer of the hotel bright and early at 6:45am and headed to the church for 7:00am. I'm glad we did though. We spent time worshiping and praying and had a little message by Arturo. Breakfast was fruit, muffins and cereal again. Today we were very much blessed because we had a man by the name of Carlos join our team. Carlos is able to speak both english and spanish so we were able to communicate with Pedro, Lucas, Alex and Juan. It made for a much easier day for sure. We began the day finishing up with knocking out the concrete we had left from yesterday. Then the fun began. Mixing concrete by hand is not easy. The first batch was 10 bags of concrete/ 50 pails of sand/ 50 pails of stone. You start by dumping the sand in a pile. Then you level out that pile and put the concrete in. You mix up that with shobels until the sand and concrete are well mixed. Flatten that down and pour on the pails of stone. Water is thrown into the mix and you mix and mix and mix until it is to the right consistency. Adding water as you go. Talk about tough work. Thankfully the second batch was only 1.5 concrete/ 7.5 sand/ 7.5 stone. It was still hard work but much less of it. That was about all the work we did. It took basically the whole day. The highlight of my day though was being able to have a real conversation with Juan thanks to the help of Carlos. We talked about how he came to this church and how God is transforming him. He lives in true service to God. He works on this project and pretty much stays at the location 24/7 24 hours a day to serve God. He said he was extremely thankful for us being there but couldn't understand why we would come from so much and so far away to help them when they have a hard time getting people from here to help them. We did our best to explain that we are extremely thankful to be able to come here and help and that it is an honor to work with them. We explained that we felt called by God to come and that we are brothers in Christ so its a blessing to both them and us being here. I'm not going to lie I had to choke back tears quite a bit. The passion these people have humbles me. Oh and it turns out Juan does auto body work too, so thats kinda sweet.

Mexico - Oct 20th

2008-11-12T21:52:00.002-06:00

We woke up and headed to the church for breakfast at 8:00am. Apparently we slept in because when we got there the natives were already hard at work. Trust me when I say hard at work I mean HARD at work. These guys are machines. We spent the whole day chipping away at a mixture of concrete and stone bed so that the new walls to this building can tie into the walls around the yard. There was 3 of these holes we had to chisel out and man I have not done physical labor like that in a long time if ever. We went through hammers quite a bit too. We just smacked the hammer heads back on when they fell off. It was interesting though, the ingenuity of the locals at how to do things. We broke a hammer handle for one of the bigger hammers, and instead of it becoming a useless hammer Juan fashioned a new handle from a branch in like 10 minutes. It worked great. Juan helped us out quite a bit. At times it was hard with the language barrier but we eventually got it, and if we didn't he'd step in and show us how to do it. I'd swear he could read the stone. We would be working on a spot for a long time and he'd come over and in a matter of minutes make tenfold the progress. It definitely humbles you and shows there skills. I hope we didn't seem to incompetent to them. Lunch was pretty basic, just sandwiches but on some really sweet bread and some croissants. Supper was breaded chicken, beans, salad and mashed potatoes. Art warned us to be careful with the salad so I didn't actually eat it. I don't think I could of if I wanted to. I was so full. Then we headed back to the hotel. We took some time to rest and shower and got together for our first session. Our sessions are basically going to be a time of sharing testimonies. Art went tonight. It was really awesome to hear his story and his history. He definitely has a passion for these mission trips.

****
Sorry for the delay. I got busy with getting our church's young adults lounge painted and totally forgot to update, but I'm back now.
****

Mexico Trip - Oct 19th

2008-11-05T22:14:00.002-06:00

We spent the entire day at the church today basically.We woke up and headed out for breakfast. I can't recall the name of the place we ate, but I had some sort of omelet with this really good cheese in it. It also had some bite sized quesadilla's too if I recall correctly, with some sort of red sauce and avocado sauce on it. It was delicious. After breakfast we walked over to the church. This was really my first time seeing the city as the drive to the hotel I wasn't really coherent. It is so different. Anyways, we arrived at the church for the service which was awesome. It went from about 11:30am till almost 2. We spent time singing, or rather clapping as they sang because it was all in Spanish. We were lucky enough that a lady whose name was Monica stood with us and explained what the songs were about. We also spent time in little groups praying for each other. Praying with the locals was amazing. Even though I didn't understand one word of what they were saying their passion was definitely inspiring and I'm glad we were a part of it. I hope that even though I was speaking English when I prayed that they were able to enjoy it as much as I did. During the service Arturo preached in English and Monica translated to Spanish. This was easier for them I guess because she could translate to Spanish much easier than to English. Even though it was a long service it really felt short. After the service we just hung out at the church for the afternoon. We enjoyed a super good meal of roast chicken, tortilla's, Cheese, and this salad like thing that I later found out was cactus and was to go with the tortilla's. By this time it was actually a good way into the evening, probably like 7:30pm or so and we headed back to the hotel. After sitting around for a while we decided to take a walk. So most of us ( Art and Ron had gone to Cost-co for some supplies ) went for a walk around the area of the hotel. We stumbled upon a soccer field and watched for a while as a game was on. That was pretty much the night.

Mexico Trip - Oct 18th

2008-11-03T21:19:00.003-06:00

So, apparently its been a long while since my last post. I had hit a slump I guess without a lot really happening. One major thing just happened though. I joined a few guys from my church and some that weren't on a short term missions trip to Atizipan Mexico. We were there for 2 weeks and it was simply amazing. I kept a journal while we were there. I tried to do it every night, but while we were in the mountains I got behind a few days so filling in those days was tricky, but I did my best to recall as much as I could. I think that I am going to post those entries onto my blog. To both share with you my experience and also to consider and go over what I experienced. So I hope that this is in the least somewhat interesting, and possibly even helpful or encouraging. I think I'll do one day per post and we'll see if I post one a day or one every other day or what have you. But I will eventually cover the entire 2 weeks. So here we go.

October 18th, 2008

We began our journey at the Regina airport. Our flight took off around 2:00pm and we arrived in Toronto a few hours later. This was my first time flying that I am able to remember. It was good, I was lucky enough to have the window seat and was able to watch the entire take off out the window. It was a fun experience for sure. The speed that the plane accelerates and the rate at which it can gain altitude is awesome. Within minutes cars and trucks became dots and houses became indistinguishable. The landing was also really cool. Approaching the airport over Toronto was a fun sight to see. In Toronto we had about an hour so we grabbed a bite and headed to board the next plane. This flight also went well. Until the landing atleast. I don't know why considering I had no problem with the first landing but I had an episode and passed out as we landed in Mexico. Perhaps due to the higher elevation or a quicker descent. Regardless my very first experience outside of Canada was being escorted off the plane with an oxygen mask and four paramedics. Not including the EMT that came with us. The rest of the night was uneventful as I was in a daze and can't recall a lot. I just remember laying on the van seat and trying hard not to fall off it what with the bumpy, twisting drive. I'm pretty sure that that messed up my back.

Count your Blessings

2008-07-14T21:44:00.002-06:00

This past week at church our sermon was focused on counting our blessings. As I think about this, it again encourages me that taking a trip, specifically a missions trip, out of Canada is important for me. Important for me to grow spiritually. If I, and dare I say you, look at our lives we are amazingly blessed. I feel confident in the fact that I can claim you are blessed for the mere fact that you have access to the internet to view my blog.

I take a lot for granted. In fact I take nearly everything I have for granted. Not purposefully, but in sitting here, and honestly thinking about it I realize I do. I view my possessions as things I have worked to get. But really at the root, the fact that I am ABLE to work is a blessing. The fact that I have had the opportunity to be schooled and to learn to, in my case, be part of a trade is a blessing, and so much more in light of how my post-secondary education was financed. The very fact that I went to sleep last night and awoke to another day is an amazing blessing. Yet I rarely honestly thank God for the smallest things like being able to take my next breathe, let alone the big things, like the job I have or the home I live in. This is a point I am trying to change and realize that I need to consciously focus on remembering.

Our pastor used a term "content versus comfortable" that struck a chord. I am comfortable. Amazingly so when I consider it. Honestly, Comfort is not even considered really, its accepted as a given. Even in our comfort we complain about being uncomfortable. I wonder now, if I were to lose my "stuff" the material things I've acquired over time. Would I be content? I would like to say yes. I believe that I could eventually be, but initially? Could I experience that, and stand back and be content that I still draw breathe, and still have the never ending love of my Saviour? I'm not sure I even really want to answer that.

Count my blessings eh? And here I thought I learned how to count when I was young...

Mexico eh.

2008-05-25T23:22:00.002-06:00

I just had like a 45 - 60 minute conversation in the doorway of my apartment building with some friends of mine. I think I shall try to get into good spiritual conversation with friends more often. I kind of find it sad in a way that a really good spiritual conversation is few and far between with myself and the friends I go to church with. I think I'm going to try to influence that to change if I can. I guess we'll see.

One of the things that came up was my contemplation on a short terms mission trip to Mexico in October I believe that was presented to our church a few weeks ago. When it was first brought up I was like "oh that might be cool to be involved in, but I don't think I can afford to go, I'll find out what it would cost". So I talked to our pastor and found out what it would cost. My initial reaction was one of theres no way. I feel like Jerven and Rob ( the Lead pastor and youth pastor respectively ) have both expressed that it would be a good experience for me to have though. That coupled with the fact that the last 8 - 10 months or so have been months where I've felt like I've grown in my spiritual maturity probably more so then I have in a long time lead me to the conclusion that I NEED to go. Perhaps its a selfish reasoning, one that will end up with me not taking from it what it has the potential to show me in my life I don't know. I do know however that I feel like it will be a growing experience. I am stating right now, that I will be going. Barring any complications that do not allow me to go. I have said that cost was an issue in my mind. In reality, its not an issue, my job and current living situation will allow me to raise the funds on my own without requiring me to ask for help if I make myself do it. The excuse just doesn't hold water. I can't allow that to be the reason I don't go, and thankfully I have friends that will hold me accountable to that. I know that if this is where God wants me to go so he can break and mold me, even in any small way, I need to do my best to get there. I know that I'll probably "feel" like I can't do it, or I shouldn't do it. Satan has ways of influencing us not to follow Gods leading, and so I am thankful for my friends to hold me accountable to that.

I won't lie. It is an uncomfortable feeling for me to go on this trip. It will be a great deal out of my comfort zone. I need that. I need to be forced to see and question what I believe to be important in life. I hope that as I go I will be able to work hard to accomplish our building task down there, but also that God will break and build me. That he will use this experience to show me that the comfort I have here in Canada so easily blinds me to the lost and searching. That it allows me to sit back and believe everything is ok. That I can come back and have stretched my comfort zone out so I can be more effective as a believer to reach out to those around me.

So Mexico. Here I come.

Membership...its about time lol

2008-05-15T16:59:00.002-06:00

I believe it was last year..or possibly the year before, a few friends of mine challenged me with why I wasn't a member of the church I attend. I've been part of the Rosewood family since 1989 which if you do the math is just shy of 20 years. So I feel completely at home there, and though I've been tempted to leave and find another church a few times, the fact that it is "home" to me has been a huge factor in me staying put and continuing to enjoy Rosewood. My immediate response was the ever popular "I dunno, never though about it" which in all honesty isn't really an answer at all is it lol. The question though did get me thinking of why I hadn't taken the step of becoming a member. This is what I came to the conclusion of. I don't like to be labeled. The idea that I would be an official member of the Christian Missionary and Alliance denomination honestly didn't really appeal to me. I can't really explain why but here's my best try, I don't like being pegged, I view myself as a Christian not as a denomination and so I didn't think membership was for me. Now the idea was rolling in my head though. It had gone from not being on my mind at all, to being thought about and considered. A silent mental run down of the arguments both for and against pursuing membership. It kind of subsided and slid back into the recesses of my mind, but little did I know it would be brought back up a few months or so ago. They church was going to start membership classes. Well I might as well check that out I figured so I did, to see what it was all about and stuff. Well it changed my mind. I realized it wasn't necessarily "pegging" me as a "Christian and Missionary Alliance" denomination member, but rather an active part of the Rosewood family and yes in some way the C M&A as well but it was mostly more local than that. Really the only difference between being a member and attending is that as a member you have the ability to vote on the workings of the church, and decisions that are put forward. You have a voice in the Church you attend.

So as of Tuesday night I am now an official member of Rosewood Park Alliance Church. Only took me almost 20 years lol.

Healing & Reconciliation

2008-04-27T18:00:00.002-06:00

to begin, sorry for the lack of updates.

This morning our church gathered together for a service unlike any I've been a part of. Our church's recent past is riddled with hard and bitter feelings. The details are insignificant, but the gist of it was that it dealt with the circumstances of the departure of our previous Sr. Pastor. Today, that pastor returned as well as the pastor who served Rosewood before him, some 10 - 15 odd years ago. The service was a healing and reconciliation service. Intended to allow us to come together as a family of Christ and forgive any past hurts in order to come together in unity.

The service did not just focus on that one past hurt. Rather it focused on every hurt. Every wrong, Every. At least every one that we were willing to give a face to. A name to. Every wrong that each individual was willing to look into their own life and recognize. To come before and overcome. I'm sure that there are still many, many hurts and so much bitterness that was not faced. That slid under the surface and hid in the shadows. But a huge weight as been lifted. If you were there, it's inarguable.

I've been dealing with a personal struggle of reconciliation for a while now. Fighting it. Not allowing myself to fall to the supposed "weakness" of facing it. It wasn't my wrong to face. I was the wronged and thus I deserved the effort put towards me. Not the other way. Or so I thought. Until this service was announced a month ago. Until I was continually prodded emotionally. Don't fight God's leading. For one if he really wants it to happen who are we to stop it? and if we somehow manage to ignore his leading, then we are the ones at loss.

I spoke to someone I've not spoken to for months out of bitterness and anger. How glad I am that that first step has been taken.

A Change Is In The Air

2008-02-12T21:45:00.002-06:00

Apparently people at the church I attend have been noticing a change in me. In the way I carry myself and my outlook. I was made aware of this by our pastor, who apparently has been receiving these comments from both people I know and have known me for a time, and also those who don't really know me. Its encouraging to say the least. I don't overly see a change in myself, but as friends have pointed out thats more then likely because I am within it. Not an outside observer. It's encouraging to know that change is taking place in such a way as to be apparent even to those around me who may not know me or talk to me much if at all. God willing I hope to continue to change and mature in my walk with him. I have a long way to go and so much to learn, but I think for the first time I really have a desire to learn and be used by him.

I feel drawn to ministry within the music. I've been sidelined temporarily for the past few months and not involved at all. The break was nice, and obviously was needed for God to start his work in my life. I enjoyed the break and for a while felt no desire to return to a ministry. Lately however I have felt drawn to get involved musically again. I feel that this is the part of the church "body" that I belong serving. I recently was given the green light to be involved again and am excited for that, but I've also got to wait until I feel ready myself, and I know at this exact moment that isn't the case. How long it will take only God truly knows. It could be a matter of days until I feel like I can be involved again, or it could be much longer. We shall have to see.

I'm also going to breakfast this weekend with our pastor to talk about things. I'm somewhat nervous but more so excited about what he has to say. I think it will be positive, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have some fear of what he has to say. Hopefully I will come back with some happy news.

Until then I leave you with this. Trust God. At times it is hard or nearly impossible, but I'm learning that he truly will never leave nor forsake us. We just have to be willing to listen.

Because I'll never...

2008-01-14T13:47:00.000-06:00

"Becuase I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view, becuase I'll never rip the night in two it makes me wonder, who am I?" ( "Great are you" - DownHere )

The unknown. I wish I could understand and know where my life is going, in what direction I should travel and where I should place my energy. But I don't. My life is basically a stable one. I have a roof over my head and a job that allows me to live a decently comfortable life. Yet I feel...unsatisfied with it. As if all I am doing is drawing breathe for the mere act of doing so instead of for a purpose. I am craving that purpose. I am wanting to see the "whole horizon" to know what that purpose is. If only it were that easy.

I began this blog in conjunction with my attempt to find that purpose. To fix my eyes in the direction that I feel is right and to allow God to show me where to step. I had high hopes of a quick journey. That once I began I could run to the conclusion. It seems however that I will hobble down the path, looking over my shoulder and wondering. Falling on my face and dragging myself to my knees to cry out for direction again and again. I will find the end to this leg of the journey. It just seems that it will not be as easy I set out believing it to be.

Who am I?

A little irritation

2007-12-30T23:42:00.000-06:00

So, I was talking with a friend this evening about a movie that she was watching that goes by the name of "Jesus Camp". I have never actually seen this movie, but from what she was saying, I don't think I want to. Apparently it is "crazy right wing evangelical" in her words. Over the top, in your face, condemning people. I don't know about other people, but that is somewhat irritating to me. I don't really want to get into any kind of theological battle with anyone, but it irritates me that its the extremes that the media decides to share with the world. its the soap box screamers and the "Crazy wife-swap" ladies ( if you don't know what I'm talking about, thats ok ) that media decides are a good representation of people of belief. It irritates me that so many people of Christian faith are all over the world doing good works in a much more loving, humble way, but go unnoticed and unrecognized for the works they do. I mean its also good in a way that they aren't covered by the media all the time, because it isn't about the tv time, or how many pages in the paper are dedicated to it. Its just frustrating to me that the few people that do get the media attention seem to have a more so negative effect on people who may be in the midst of searching for God, or those that aren't at that stage. That they see the extremes and it turns them away. It's sad that that type of action seems to be the representation of the people who believe.

I also have an irritation with myself. I'm allowing myself to be irritated by things in the past that should have no place having any effect in my life anymore. I logically know this, and yet am powerless to make it stop. Little things, like hearing a song, or reading something, can trigger a sudden switch from being on the up to becoming bummed out, or even slightly depressed. Logically I can take any thing that causes it, and really the entire situation in general, and nullify it, but Logic isn't helping any and that my friends is frustrating. It's frustrating having no real control over my own emotions. All I can do is hope that eventually I will be completely rid of it, and it will have no emotional tug on me in any direction. In time and prayer. Patience is no fun thing.

Nothing is guaranteed

2007-12-19T00:08:00.000-06:00

Wow. I know I haven't posted in a while, but I didn't realize that it had been over a month since my last post. As you can tell not a whole lot has been taking place in my life spiritually lately, I've had no epiphany's or major developments. I did however kind of have a wake up call yesterday. Kind of.

Yesterday at work we had an unfortunate event in which a fellow employee lost his life. I didn't know him, he works up front in the sales department and I work in the body shop so our paths didn't cross, but what struck me was that this gentleman was 22 and had a heart attack. That just isn't right. I later found out that he had a weak lung, but none-the-less at 22 a heart attack doesn't even begin to cross your mind. That is, unless you are around that age and you have to go to a company meeting and have a paramedic speak about what happened. It kind of opens your eyes to the idea that once again, nothing in this life is guaranteed. It made me look at myself and my habits. Those of you who know me personally know that I have some poor habits ( for instance my eating habits ) that do nothing to help my health. I was going to make some changes already, but having this happen will hopefully have the impact to actually make me make the changes. I shall be doing my best is all I can say.

I guess that that is about all I have for this post. I hopefully shouldn't take a month to post again, so please, keep checking, taking part in my journey and leaving comments.

Focus seems so fleeting

2007-11-12T22:31:00.000-06:00

This isn't going to be a long post..or a terribly in depth post. More just a random thought I figured wouldn't hurt to hear from the masses on. I'm finding it very hard to remain focused and growing. Some days you get those BAM! moments where its obvious that something was just taught to you through whatever medium God decides to use at that time, but what about "normal" days. Those days where its pretty good, things flow decently, you've got nothing to complain about. How do you ( this is not a rhetorical question ) remain focused on God and listening and learning? What helps you to realize that even though things are going well its still time to learn. I mean we're an imperfect race, we've always something to grow and expand in our lives. Some knowledge to gain to further our spiritual journey and depth of relationship with God. Let me know what you think.

Forgiveness

2007-11-06T22:23:00.000-06:00

Forgiveness. A seemingly simple enough word right? Perhaps not so much. I'm learning a lot about forgiveness, not necessarily out of the need to forgive, it just seems that it is a lesson that God is teaching me. Obviously I have things in my life that require my forgiveness, and also that I require forgiveness for. I think that is a constant in anyones life, and I am no different.

I am attending a small group at the church I attend and we are working through a book entitled "Whats so Amazing About Grace" ( Auth. Philip Yancey ). As is apparent from the title of the book, its main focus is on Grace. I seem to be taking a lot out of it on forgiveness. This evening, there was a section on misconceptions about forgiveness. Which I found really interesting as I've been wrestling with and trying to come to an understanding with some factors of forgiveness. Such as "have I truly forgiven that person", "Does forgiving someone mean that I need to attempt to rekindle that relationship" etc. They made 5 points about common misconceptions on forgiveness. They were:

1) Forgiving Somebody is excusing them
2) Forgiving is the same as Tolerance
3) People Expect instant results
4) You have to run to the person and tell them
5) You've got to go back to the same relationship

It's interesting to see those points. With myself and my current wrestling match with forgiveness a few stood out to me. Namely Points number 3,4, and 5. I do find myself expecting, or wanting, immediate results. I want to say "I forgive you" and have life magically return the the state it was in before. The point "You have to run to the person and tell them" is interesting because it shows that its possible to forgive someone and not be required to go and tell that person. This seems to be such a common thing, to feel that in order to forgive, you must go to that person and physically say to them "I forgive you". What doing that doesn't allow for though, is the fact that perhaps that person isn't ready to hear that, or that you aren't ready to physically say that to that person. In some instances, doing that very thing can cause more problems and rifts in that relationship.

The last point especially stuck out to me. The fact that indeed you do NOT need to mend that relationship to the point it was before, or even to have a relationship necessarily is in a way comforting. In my personal life I am dealing with this issue in a real way. I have 2 people in my life who recently have hurt me in a deep way. I'm not going to delve into the depths of what happened, I don't feel the need, and I respect them enough not to air that laundry out here. However, I will say that I know that a relationship with either of them is a slim possibility in my life, and even if a new relationship begins it will always bare a resulting scar from the experience. I have struggled within myself wondering if truly I had forgiven them, and this lack of rebuilding a friendship has been a block to overcome. This last point really helped me to realize that indeed, I have forgiven and no longer hold against them what was done. I highly doubt that you read this blog. But if you do, and you know that I am referring to you. I hope you take comfort that I have come to a place of forgiveness and hold no grudge or anger towards you.

Forgiveness, an easy word to say. An easy thing to ask for. Yet a truly deep and meaningful concept when looked at in more then a superficial way.

Do parents really matter?

2007-10-21T22:59:00.000-06:00

Now before all you parents out there get all upset. I'm not talking about someones personal set of parental figures. A friend and I had an interesting conversation the other night that sparked a realization within myself. We begun by talking about past relationships and what we missed, and what was wrong in them and what not. We came to a conclusion that it is quite an important thing to mesh well, and get along with the parents of a significant other. I didn't really think that it was as big a deal personally as it does indeed seem to be.

I believe each person, despite if they would like to admit it or not, has qualities of their parents within themselves. The way you are raised plays a huge part in who you become, and possibly even genetically, but I'm not a scientist so don't quote me on that one. Either way, I think that each person has a bit of each parent within them. Thus, if you are in a relationship with someone, and they don't get along with your parents, or you theirs, I think that isn't such a good thing. We all hear about the "dreaded in-laws" and what not. and I know out there, there are probably a lot of people that don't agree with what I'm saying. Each is entitled to their own opinions and views. I do believe that if you are unable to get along with your significant others parent then that is almost saying that there is a part of that person you are with that you don't get along with. I'm not saying that immediately a friendship/relationship with said persons parents is a requirement, but if after time and effort, it isn't possible, could it be not such a good sign? I don't know. Personally I know that when I find someone, I think I need to be able to get along with their parents. To be able to be around them without that person, and feel completely comfortable and at home.

Maybe when the time comes to look again for someone, I should change where I look and start looking for some parents I get along with...on second though...I think not.

Turning ones sight inward

2007-10-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

It's isn't always a fun thing. Looking into yourself that is. Its so much easier to ignore yourself and focus on outside distractions. I find it personally easier to imagine I'm ok then to actually take time to focus on myself. It's easier because whenever I do honestly, key word being honestly, look at myself I find that all isn't ok. I'm not meaning to say that I have huge inner burdens to do battle with, it isn't about the size or severity of the issue. Maybe I do, Maybe I don't, but I think that we all will always have things in ourselves that we know we could better.

This is a transition time in my life. As such, I know that I need to focus and turn my eyes on myself. I'm not always happy about that, but I know I need to. I don't know what I'm going to find, but I'm going to genuinely attempt to allow God to show me my faults in his eyes, to finally smarten up, and grow up spiritually. I truly believe he is pointing things out in my life, its my responsibility not to turn the blind eye.

I've joined a small group this year at the church I attend. We're currently working through a series called "Whats so Amazing About Grace". I seem to take a little bit from each session, one that has been stuck in my mind lately was the session on Forgiveness. When you really think about it the line "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" becomes a scary thought. Purely for the "as WE forgive those who trespass against us". Sometimes forgiveness isn't always easy, but its a requirement, not an option. Forgiveness however, does not mean that the relationship has to be mended to its previous state. It's an interesting concept to truly ponder. Forgiveness of others, as well as, Forgiveness of oneself.

A Quarter Note in the Melody of Life

2007-09-23T19:10:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me knows that music is an important thing to me. I love listening to it, love playing it, and love randomly singing it. It has the power to psych me up, mellow me out, or let me focus. I love hearing things that I haven't heard before. I'll give just about anything a listen. My Itunes is an eclectic catologue of genres and languages.

One Thing that really amazes me is when the lyrical poetry of an artist not only brushes the emotions I'm feeling, but grabs them, rips them open and explores every corner. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. When a piece of music can so intricately express an inner emotion, more so then I can myself, I hold onto it. I'm sure this is extremely common among people as music is such a powerful, global language, but none the less. to sit quietly, eyes closed and listen to the words flow, allowing them to saturate me mentally, takes me to a place that I really can't express.

Worship music specifically is going through a time of evolution for me. I've played guitar and sung on a worship team for many years now. It's always been important to me, but I've stopped playing recently. It was somewhat of a decision between myself and our lead pastor. I guess more accurately it was my decision and his decision individually that just happened to happen at the exact same point in time. It's a somewhat interesting story, but a different story all together from this one. Anyways, Worship has always been important to me, but I think it lost something through the years. I guess its possible that maybe it didn't lose something but rather it never had it. Lately however, it's definitely had something new in the experience. It's no longer just words to a melody, it still is that, but its not JUST that. I'm not just taking part in the process of worship, I'm experiencing it. I can't explain it, and for that I apologize. I can only say that I'm excited for it, and I am striving not to loose it. It's to easy to allow it to be an outward action that has no emotional backing, but I want it to be the opposite. I want it to be an inward emotion that expresses itself outwardly. And if I get back into being on stage leading worship in some form. I hope that I can hold onto that, and not just slide into merely playing the notes.

Mountains and Valleys

2007-09-10T21:10:00.000-06:00

"We don't grow on the mountain tops, we grow in the valleys". How true are those words. Even in my paraphrased version of the wisdom of another man, words couldn't ring truer. It seems like in the world of believers, we all long for those mountaintop experiences. Those moments where it feels like God is right in front of our eyes, embracing us in his arms. But does growth REALLY happen at those moments? I think it would be foolish to whole heartedly scream no, but I think it would be realistic to say that its the exception, not the rule. Those moments are great reminders. Great prompters. Great feelings. But growth? As I've thought about that quote, I personally, would tend to lean towards no. It takes trials to build character it seems. For whatever reason, it seems that we need to hurt in order to come to a place of true growth. To come to the place where in private we fall to our knees, body shaken by sobs of the heart, fully real with no false face and yearn for God to help us to become better. I know for myself, I'm learning to stop in the valleys, the low times of life, and look around. To allow God to show me what it is I need to see. A Mountain top naturally is a desolate, windswept place. Valleys are lush with vegetation and wildlife.

Faith

2007-09-04T22:09:00.000-06:00

So Tomorrow ( Wed, 5th ) I go under the needles again. I am once again ordaining my body with art. Thats right. It is once again tattoo time. I'm of a somewhat firm belief that tattoos should express something of meaning. This tattoo is of the word "Faith", I think the meaning is pretty self explanatory, sort of. It's a reminder to myself. A reminder that this world isn't a very stable place. That the things we have aren't guaranteed to stick around. The only truly stable thing is God. So I'm getting this permanent addition to continually remind me to trust him. It's a tough lesson to learn, and I'm a slow learner. I figure this way its always right there to remind me when I forget.

Faith itself is a tough concept to wrap my mind around I find. To believe in what you can't see. It's a hard concept I think. I can totally understand why to those that don't believe in God, faith seems like a false concept. I think the best metaphor for it that I've heard was that faith is like the wind. You can't see the wind, just the effects of the wind. Its the same with faith. We may not be able to see what we believe in, but we can see the effects of it. I've seen God do some powerful things, from allowing a women who medically couldn't have children give birth, to a mans blood stream being purged of carbon monoxide poisoning in a time frame that the doctors couldn't understand it possibly happening in. I know he works in peoples lives, and yet at times I find it really hard to have faith. Its bewildering. I can't even really take that any further, because I don't know how to explain what I mean really.

And so I will go back to counting the hours until my skin is pierced again and again and ink flows into the wounds. Until my body is permanently changed. Until I mark this new beginning with an outward example of an inward journey.

And thus it begins...

2007-09-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

Again. Seems that life is full of beginnings, some times we choose to begin again, and others, its chosen for us it seems. This point in my life is one of the latter. I don't feel the necessity to delve into the details behind this apparent new beginning, but in a nut shell it was an un-enjoyable experience for me. However It was, I believe, a much needed experience. I'm seeing that as things continue to happen, God has his hand in my life.

Seems he's trying to tell me its time to straighten up and get things in order. Enough being the stagnant Christian I have been for a long time. I honestly wish that the circumstances could have been different. That heartache wasn't required for me to receive the proverbial slap in the face. But me being me, I guess God figured it would be a pretty effective way of throwing a curve into my life and knocking me back to take a look. As the youth pastor of the church I attend said to me, Sometimes you need to experience stuff first hand to get the message, thats paraphrased but its basically the idea. Someone can tell you that something isn't a good idea, but sometimes we choose to ignore their advice and need to experience the lows to get it. I apparently needed to hit this low though for my eyes to be opened.

Not only was God speaking to me about my current station in life, but also to our head pastor at the church as well. Seems that Gods been speaking to him about me, which is strange and yet amazing to me, and as such some things are changing for me. For one, I'm not on a worship team anymore, or involved in anything at the church for that matter. This is strange for me, because I've been involved with something at church for a long long time, and have been playing on a worship team for years now. It's going to be an adjustment for me to not be involved. I am also joining with a mentor at the church. I'm kind of excited for that. I'm not sure what its all about, but the idea is a good one, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for that. After a while, we'll see if I get back involved with things at the church. I'm trying not to allow myself to really have any preconceived notions of whether I will or won't get involved again until the time comes around. I just need to try and focus on my spiritual walk, and where I am in life.

Its sad to me that we as people seem to require a bad experience for us to focus on whats important really. I mean it makes sense, when things are good, why sit back and look at things to see where we're at. But at the same time. If we stood back and looked at things when they are going good, couldn't we possibly save ourself from some of the emotional roller coaster that we experience?

I don't know where God is taking me. Only that he is. I know that "he knows the plans he has for me". Its an exciting, and somewhat frightening time for me, but I trust him to support me and help me grow. So here's to new beginnings. Those we choose, and those that choose us.