Hopeless

So I was asked to write a piece influenced from the scripture found in 1st Kings 19:4 ( I believe its 4 ). Elijah is sitting under a tree praying for God to take his life. This is what I came up with, I hope that it can be used to give hope to someone who maybe finds themselves in a hopeless state at the moment. Here ya go...

This is a parental advisory
cuz I'm about to undress my heart
and let you see the real me
I'm about to expose my mind
bare my soul
and let you feel me
and there's some probability
that the words that I speak
will leave you angry with me
see there's a possibility
that a condition
that you've managed to keep hidden
is exactly the sickness
I'm expressing in this written
and as I stand here
and spit this so blatantly
it might cause you
to curse under your breath at me
see you might have to put on a happy face
and say things like
that poor boy
or
I can only imagine what that must taste like
but if you've never felt this stress
if you've never been so utterly hopeless and depressed
that you simply want the rythem in your chest to end then
you
are
blessed
I've failed that test with flying colors
and I can say with one hundred percent certainty
that I am not alone
there are others
others who have wished to
inhale and exhale their finale
to finally find the footnotes
of their life
and finish their final chapter
others who have dreamed
to be by Gods side
or perhaps I'm putting this to eloquently
and simply should say
others
who have wished to die
and I admit that I am one of them
I have stared at a blade
and consciously made the decision
to drag it across my flesh
I have considered
at what velocity
to approach an immovable object
in a motorized vehicle
so I would no longer have to feel
and I have debated
as to how far off a recommended dose is
from healing
to killing whats left
I have faced suicide from both sides of the coin
from finding a man that I adore
lying on the floor
gasping for his very breath
to forcefully fighting a knife
from a hand
that begged me to let it stay
I have looked hopelessness
in the eye
one to many times for my liking
and so I stand up here exposed
with this mic
and say to those who know
all to well the pain that flows
from the loss of hope
and say that
you are not alone
we all cling to this iconic imagery
of Christ Jesus
arms spread wide
hanging from a tree
but seem to lose sight
of the hope that this image
is supposed to give
to you and to me
we are not alone.

So there ya have it. Keep in mind its written to be spoken and its hard to write emotion into printed text. I am working on getting an mp3 copy. I'll post if I manage to get one if you're interested.

My Space.

Six and a half billion people on this planet
This celestial ball
with only so much land to span it
shared by every nation, culture, creed and race
all vying for their slice
of this relatively small place
clinging to some claim of ownership
grabbing hold of their individuality
with a tightly held grip
Now, I can't speak for theirs
or for yours
but I can speak
for my case
and this
this is my space
so respect it
and in case it was in question
I expect a three foot span
in every direction
I'm talking to you close speakers
unless you have a secret
and its important
I can hear it
from that distance
so quit it
and all you touchy people
this is just a warning
its uncomfortable
not to the point of insufferable
but definitely unenjoyable
so please
stop if your able
Now there are exceptions to every rule
but if you assume that that's true for you
it makes an...
well it makes an angry person outta me
and a fool outta you
now I know I know I'm coming across as rude
or cold or unaffectionate
but lets place a bet on this
if someones up in your face
so close that you can taste
their last meal
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say
you'd feel the same way
but like I said
I can only speak for my case
and this
this is my space
and in case it was in question
I expect some intellectual discretion
when it comes to your expressions
of opinions and reflections on
how I wear the hair on my face
or my style or taste
I'm not some carbon copy trace
of what you think I should be
I am simply and purely me
and maybe you disagree
with the clothes that I wear
or the art my body bares
but
ask my nicely
and you'll find out
that I really don't care
cuz I cling to that same claim of ownership
and I've got my individuality
by the scruff of the neck
and I'm holding it
I know who I am
and you only have as much influence on that
as I allow you to
from absolutely zero
to the depths of a select few
see I've found my slice
of this small place
it stands about five eight
a buck eighty five is its weight
and its great
to stand here before you
and say
that this
this is my space
can you claim the same.

-William Brown (2008)

Epic Fail.

So apparently I once again dropped the ball on this whole updating thing, I don't have a lot to type, my life isn't overly exciting and I haven't had any deep thoughts to share, so I've decided to just throw a piece I wrote up on here and let ya have a little read.

"Can you hear me now"

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!

my throat is raw
as I continue to yell
unable to tell
I throw up my arms
and throw out my voice
waiting for a hint of a sign
that you hear me

still nothing

and as I feel the sting of defeat
I retreat to a place
dimly lit and secluded
away from prying eyes
and cry
and fall to my knees
with no strength left
to hold my head high

chin to chest
I seek your rejuvinating rest
my voice a mere crack
as one last time I ask
can you hear me now

I sit there in silence
and search my mind
in a feeble attempt to discover
and adequate place to start

I wish I could find
a way to hide what I've done
from your eyes
the damage of lies
and pain caused by pride
but my hands are small

incapable

I fall

It's me again
slipped, tripped
fell flat on my face
and in search of a friend

I need you
I can't do this on my own
I'm weak
despite the bright face
and confident words I speak
I'm controlled by fear

and so I release this prayer
with a shed tear
and in my humble silence
you respond
"Now I hear"

-William Brown ( 2008 )

Well Hope you enjoyed it, Perhaps I'll have something to post soon, or maybe it'll just end up being another piece, who knows :p

Mexico - Oct 21st

We did not sleep in today. We met in the foyer of the hotel bright and early at 6:45am and headed to the church for 7:00am. I'm glad we did though. We spent time worshiping and praying and had a little message by Arturo. Breakfast was fruit, muffins and cereal again. Today we were very much blessed because we had a man by the name of Carlos join our team. Carlos is able to speak both english and spanish so we were able to communicate with Pedro, Lucas, Alex and Juan. It made for a much easier day for sure. We began the day finishing up with knocking out the concrete we had left from yesterday. Then the fun began. Mixing concrete by hand is not easy. The first batch was 10 bags of concrete/ 50 pails of sand/ 50 pails of stone. You start by dumping the sand in a pile. Then you level out that pile and put the concrete in. You mix up that with shobels until the sand and concrete are well mixed. Flatten that down and pour on the pails of stone. Water is thrown into the mix and you mix and mix and mix until it is to the right consistency. Adding water as you go. Talk about tough work. Thankfully the second batch was only 1.5 concrete/ 7.5 sand/ 7.5 stone. It was still hard work but much less of it. That was about all the work we did. It took basically the whole day. The highlight of my day though was being able to have a real conversation with Juan thanks to the help of Carlos. We talked about how he came to this church and how God is transforming him. He lives in true service to God. He works on this project and pretty much stays at the location 24/7 24 hours a day to serve God. He said he was extremely thankful for us being there but couldn't understand why we would come from so much and so far away to help them when they have a hard time getting people from here to help them. We did our best to explain that we are extremely thankful to be able to come here and help and that it is an honor to work with them. We explained that we felt called by God to come and that we are brothers in Christ so its a blessing to both them and us being here. I'm not going to lie I had to choke back tears quite a bit. The passion these people have humbles me. Oh and it turns out Juan does auto body work too, so thats kinda sweet.

Mexico - Oct 20th

We woke up and headed to the church for breakfast at 8:00am. Apparently we slept in because when we got there the natives were already hard at work. Trust me when I say hard at work I mean HARD at work. These guys are machines. We spent the whole day chipping away at a mixture of concrete and stone bed so that the new walls to this building can tie into the walls around the yard. There was 3 of these holes we had to chisel out and man I have not done physical labor like that in a long time if ever. We went through hammers quite a bit too. We just smacked the hammer heads back on when they fell off. It was interesting though, the ingenuity of the locals at how to do things. We broke a hammer handle for one of the bigger hammers, and instead of it becoming a useless hammer Juan fashioned a new handle from a branch in like 10 minutes. It worked great. Juan helped us out quite a bit. At times it was hard with the language barrier but we eventually got it, and if we didn't he'd step in and show us how to do it. I'd swear he could read the stone. We would be working on a spot for a long time and he'd come over and in a matter of minutes make tenfold the progress. It definitely humbles you and shows there skills. I hope we didn't seem to incompetent to them. Lunch was pretty basic, just sandwiches but on some really sweet bread and some croissants. Supper was breaded chicken, beans, salad and mashed potatoes. Art warned us to be careful with the salad so I didn't actually eat it. I don't think I could of if I wanted to. I was so full. Then we headed back to the hotel. We took some time to rest and shower and got together for our first session. Our sessions are basically going to be a time of sharing testimonies. Art went tonight. It was really awesome to hear his story and his history. He definitely has a passion for these mission trips.

****
Sorry for the delay. I got busy with getting our church's young adults lounge painted and totally forgot to update, but I'm back now.
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Mexico Trip - Oct 19th

We spent the entire day at the church today basically.We woke up and headed out for breakfast. I can't recall the name of the place we ate, but I had some sort of omelet with this really good cheese in it. It also had some bite sized quesadilla's too if I recall correctly, with some sort of red sauce and avocado sauce on it. It was delicious. After breakfast we walked over to the church. This was really my first time seeing the city as the drive to the hotel I wasn't really coherent. It is so different. Anyways, we arrived at the church for the service which was awesome. It went from about 11:30am till almost 2. We spent time singing, or rather clapping as they sang because it was all in Spanish. We were lucky enough that a lady whose name was Monica stood with us and explained what the songs were about. We also spent time in little groups praying for each other. Praying with the locals was amazing. Even though I didn't understand one word of what they were saying their passion was definitely inspiring and I'm glad we were a part of it. I hope that even though I was speaking English when I prayed that they were able to enjoy it as much as I did. During the service Arturo preached in English and Monica translated to Spanish. This was easier for them I guess because she could translate to Spanish much easier than to English. Even though it was a long service it really felt short. After the service we just hung out at the church for the afternoon. We enjoyed a super good meal of roast chicken, tortilla's, Cheese, and this salad like thing that I later found out was cactus and was to go with the tortilla's. By this time it was actually a good way into the evening, probably like 7:30pm or so and we headed back to the hotel. After sitting around for a while we decided to take a walk. So most of us ( Art and Ron had gone to Cost-co for some supplies ) went for a walk around the area of the hotel. We stumbled upon a soccer field and watched for a while as a game was on. That was pretty much the night.

Mexico Trip - Oct 18th

So, apparently its been a long while since my last post. I had hit a slump I guess without a lot really happening. One major thing just happened though. I joined a few guys from my church and some that weren't on a short term missions trip to Atizipan Mexico. We were there for 2 weeks and it was simply amazing. I kept a journal while we were there. I tried to do it every night, but while we were in the mountains I got behind a few days so filling in those days was tricky, but I did my best to recall as much as I could. I think that I am going to post those entries onto my blog. To both share with you my experience and also to consider and go over what I experienced. So I hope that this is in the least somewhat interesting, and possibly even helpful or encouraging. I think I'll do one day per post and we'll see if I post one a day or one every other day or what have you. But I will eventually cover the entire 2 weeks. So here we go.

October 18th, 2008

We began our journey at the Regina airport. Our flight took off around 2:00pm and we arrived in Toronto a few hours later. This was my first time flying that I am able to remember. It was good, I was lucky enough to have the window seat and was able to watch the entire take off out the window. It was a fun experience for sure. The speed that the plane accelerates and the rate at which it can gain altitude is awesome. Within minutes cars and trucks became dots and houses became indistinguishable. The landing was also really cool. Approaching the airport over Toronto was a fun sight to see. In Toronto we had about an hour so we grabbed a bite and headed to board the next plane. This flight also went well. Until the landing atleast. I don't know why considering I had no problem with the first landing but I had an episode and passed out as we landed in Mexico. Perhaps due to the higher elevation or a quicker descent. Regardless my very first experience outside of Canada was being escorted off the plane with an oxygen mask and four paramedics. Not including the EMT that came with us. The rest of the night was uneventful as I was in a daze and can't recall a lot. I just remember laying on the van seat and trying hard not to fall off it what with the bumpy, twisting drive. I'm pretty sure that that messed up my back.