A little irritation

So, I was talking with a friend this evening about a movie that she was watching that goes by the name of "Jesus Camp". I have never actually seen this movie, but from what she was saying, I don't think I want to. Apparently it is "crazy right wing evangelical" in her words. Over the top, in your face, condemning people. I don't know about other people, but that is somewhat irritating to me. I don't really want to get into any kind of theological battle with anyone, but it irritates me that its the extremes that the media decides to share with the world. its the soap box screamers and the "Crazy wife-swap" ladies ( if you don't know what I'm talking about, thats ok ) that media decides are a good representation of people of belief. It irritates me that so many people of Christian faith are all over the world doing good works in a much more loving, humble way, but go unnoticed and unrecognized for the works they do. I mean its also good in a way that they aren't covered by the media all the time, because it isn't about the tv time, or how many pages in the paper are dedicated to it. Its just frustrating to me that the few people that do get the media attention seem to have a more so negative effect on people who may be in the midst of searching for God, or those that aren't at that stage. That they see the extremes and it turns them away. It's sad that that type of action seems to be the representation of the people who believe.

I also have an irritation with myself. I'm allowing myself to be irritated by things in the past that should have no place having any effect in my life anymore. I logically know this, and yet am powerless to make it stop. Little things, like hearing a song, or reading something, can trigger a sudden switch from being on the up to becoming bummed out, or even slightly depressed. Logically I can take any thing that causes it, and really the entire situation in general, and nullify it, but Logic isn't helping any and that my friends is frustrating. It's frustrating having no real control over my own emotions. All I can do is hope that eventually I will be completely rid of it, and it will have no emotional tug on me in any direction. In time and prayer. Patience is no fun thing.

Nothing is guaranteed

Wow. I know I haven't posted in a while, but I didn't realize that it had been over a month since my last post. As you can tell not a whole lot has been taking place in my life spiritually lately, I've had no epiphany's or major developments. I did however kind of have a wake up call yesterday. Kind of.

Yesterday at work we had an unfortunate event in which a fellow employee lost his life. I didn't know him, he works up front in the sales department and I work in the body shop so our paths didn't cross, but what struck me was that this gentleman was 22 and had a heart attack. That just isn't right. I later found out that he had a weak lung, but none-the-less at 22 a heart attack doesn't even begin to cross your mind. That is, unless you are around that age and you have to go to a company meeting and have a paramedic speak about what happened. It kind of opens your eyes to the idea that once again, nothing in this life is guaranteed. It made me look at myself and my habits. Those of you who know me personally know that I have some poor habits ( for instance my eating habits ) that do nothing to help my health. I was going to make some changes already, but having this happen will hopefully have the impact to actually make me make the changes. I shall be doing my best is all I can say.

I guess that that is about all I have for this post. I hopefully shouldn't take a month to post again, so please, keep checking, taking part in my journey and leaving comments.

Focus seems so fleeting

This isn't going to be a long post..or a terribly in depth post. More just a random thought I figured wouldn't hurt to hear from the masses on. I'm finding it very hard to remain focused and growing. Some days you get those BAM! moments where its obvious that something was just taught to you through whatever medium God decides to use at that time, but what about "normal" days. Those days where its pretty good, things flow decently, you've got nothing to complain about. How do you ( this is not a rhetorical question ) remain focused on God and listening and learning? What helps you to realize that even though things are going well its still time to learn. I mean we're an imperfect race, we've always something to grow and expand in our lives. Some knowledge to gain to further our spiritual journey and depth of relationship with God. Let me know what you think.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. A seemingly simple enough word right? Perhaps not so much. I'm learning a lot about forgiveness, not necessarily out of the need to forgive, it just seems that it is a lesson that God is teaching me. Obviously I have things in my life that require my forgiveness, and also that I require forgiveness for. I think that is a constant in anyones life, and I am no different.

I am attending a small group at the church I attend and we are working through a book entitled "Whats so Amazing About Grace" ( Auth. Philip Yancey ). As is apparent from the title of the book, its main focus is on Grace. I seem to be taking a lot out of it on forgiveness. This evening, there was a section on misconceptions about forgiveness. Which I found really interesting as I've been wrestling with and trying to come to an understanding with some factors of forgiveness. Such as "have I truly forgiven that person", "Does forgiving someone mean that I need to attempt to rekindle that relationship" etc. They made 5 points about common misconceptions on forgiveness. They were:

1) Forgiving Somebody is excusing them
2) Forgiving is the same as Tolerance
3) People Expect instant results
4) You have to run to the person and tell them
5) You've got to go back to the same relationship

It's interesting to see those points. With myself and my current wrestling match with forgiveness a few stood out to me. Namely Points number 3,4, and 5. I do find myself expecting, or wanting, immediate results. I want to say "I forgive you" and have life magically return the the state it was in before. The point "You have to run to the person and tell them" is interesting because it shows that its possible to forgive someone and not be required to go and tell that person. This seems to be such a common thing, to feel that in order to forgive, you must go to that person and physically say to them "I forgive you". What doing that doesn't allow for though, is the fact that perhaps that person isn't ready to hear that, or that you aren't ready to physically say that to that person. In some instances, doing that very thing can cause more problems and rifts in that relationship.

The last point especially stuck out to me. The fact that indeed you do NOT need to mend that relationship to the point it was before, or even to have a relationship necessarily is in a way comforting. In my personal life I am dealing with this issue in a real way. I have 2 people in my life who recently have hurt me in a deep way. I'm not going to delve into the depths of what happened, I don't feel the need, and I respect them enough not to air that laundry out here. However, I will say that I know that a relationship with either of them is a slim possibility in my life, and even if a new relationship begins it will always bare a resulting scar from the experience. I have struggled within myself wondering if truly I had forgiven them, and this lack of rebuilding a friendship has been a block to overcome. This last point really helped me to realize that indeed, I have forgiven and no longer hold against them what was done. I highly doubt that you read this blog. But if you do, and you know that I am referring to you. I hope you take comfort that I have come to a place of forgiveness and hold no grudge or anger towards you.

Forgiveness, an easy word to say. An easy thing to ask for. Yet a truly deep and meaningful concept when looked at in more then a superficial way.

Do parents really matter?

Now before all you parents out there get all upset. I'm not talking about someones personal set of parental figures. A friend and I had an interesting conversation the other night that sparked a realization within myself. We begun by talking about past relationships and what we missed, and what was wrong in them and what not. We came to a conclusion that it is quite an important thing to mesh well, and get along with the parents of a significant other. I didn't really think that it was as big a deal personally as it does indeed seem to be.

I believe each person, despite if they would like to admit it or not, has qualities of their parents within themselves. The way you are raised plays a huge part in who you become, and possibly even genetically, but I'm not a scientist so don't quote me on that one. Either way, I think that each person has a bit of each parent within them. Thus, if you are in a relationship with someone, and they don't get along with your parents, or you theirs, I think that isn't such a good thing. We all hear about the "dreaded in-laws" and what not. and I know out there, there are probably a lot of people that don't agree with what I'm saying. Each is entitled to their own opinions and views. I do believe that if you are unable to get along with your significant others parent then that is almost saying that there is a part of that person you are with that you don't get along with. I'm not saying that immediately a friendship/relationship with said persons parents is a requirement, but if after time and effort, it isn't possible, could it be not such a good sign? I don't know. Personally I know that when I find someone, I think I need to be able to get along with their parents. To be able to be around them without that person, and feel completely comfortable and at home.

Maybe when the time comes to look again for someone, I should change where I look and start looking for some parents I get along with...on second though...I think not.

Turning ones sight inward

It's isn't always a fun thing. Looking into yourself that is. Its so much easier to ignore yourself and focus on outside distractions. I find it personally easier to imagine I'm ok then to actually take time to focus on myself. It's easier because whenever I do honestly, key word being honestly, look at myself I find that all isn't ok. I'm not meaning to say that I have huge inner burdens to do battle with, it isn't about the size or severity of the issue. Maybe I do, Maybe I don't, but I think that we all will always have things in ourselves that we know we could better.

This is a transition time in my life. As such, I know that I need to focus and turn my eyes on myself. I'm not always happy about that, but I know I need to. I don't know what I'm going to find, but I'm going to genuinely attempt to allow God to show me my faults in his eyes, to finally smarten up, and grow up spiritually. I truly believe he is pointing things out in my life, its my responsibility not to turn the blind eye.

I've joined a small group this year at the church I attend. We're currently working through a series called "Whats so Amazing About Grace". I seem to take a little bit from each session, one that has been stuck in my mind lately was the session on Forgiveness. When you really think about it the line "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" becomes a scary thought. Purely for the "as WE forgive those who trespass against us". Sometimes forgiveness isn't always easy, but its a requirement, not an option. Forgiveness however, does not mean that the relationship has to be mended to its previous state. It's an interesting concept to truly ponder. Forgiveness of others, as well as, Forgiveness of oneself.

A Quarter Note in the Melody of Life

Anyone who knows me knows that music is an important thing to me. I love listening to it, love playing it, and love randomly singing it. It has the power to psych me up, mellow me out, or let me focus. I love hearing things that I haven't heard before. I'll give just about anything a listen. My Itunes is an eclectic catologue of genres and languages.

One Thing that really amazes me is when the lyrical poetry of an artist not only brushes the emotions I'm feeling, but grabs them, rips them open and explores every corner. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. When a piece of music can so intricately express an inner emotion, more so then I can myself, I hold onto it. I'm sure this is extremely common among people as music is such a powerful, global language, but none the less. to sit quietly, eyes closed and listen to the words flow, allowing them to saturate me mentally, takes me to a place that I really can't express.

Worship music specifically is going through a time of evolution for me. I've played guitar and sung on a worship team for many years now. It's always been important to me, but I've stopped playing recently. It was somewhat of a decision between myself and our lead pastor. I guess more accurately it was my decision and his decision individually that just happened to happen at the exact same point in time. It's a somewhat interesting story, but a different story all together from this one. Anyways, Worship has always been important to me, but I think it lost something through the years. I guess its possible that maybe it didn't lose something but rather it never had it. Lately however, it's definitely had something new in the experience. It's no longer just words to a melody, it still is that, but its not JUST that. I'm not just taking part in the process of worship, I'm experiencing it. I can't explain it, and for that I apologize. I can only say that I'm excited for it, and I am striving not to loose it. It's to easy to allow it to be an outward action that has no emotional backing, but I want it to be the opposite. I want it to be an inward emotion that expresses itself outwardly. And if I get back into being on stage leading worship in some form. I hope that I can hold onto that, and not just slide into merely playing the notes.

Mountains and Valleys

"We don't grow on the mountain tops, we grow in the valleys". How true are those words. Even in my paraphrased version of the wisdom of another man, words couldn't ring truer. It seems like in the world of believers, we all long for those mountaintop experiences. Those moments where it feels like God is right in front of our eyes, embracing us in his arms. But does growth REALLY happen at those moments? I think it would be foolish to whole heartedly scream no, but I think it would be realistic to say that its the exception, not the rule. Those moments are great reminders. Great prompters. Great feelings. But growth? As I've thought about that quote, I personally, would tend to lean towards no. It takes trials to build character it seems. For whatever reason, it seems that we need to hurt in order to come to a place of true growth. To come to the place where in private we fall to our knees, body shaken by sobs of the heart, fully real with no false face and yearn for God to help us to become better. I know for myself, I'm learning to stop in the valleys, the low times of life, and look around. To allow God to show me what it is I need to see. A Mountain top naturally is a desolate, windswept place. Valleys are lush with vegetation and wildlife.

Faith

So Tomorrow ( Wed, 5th ) I go under the needles again. I am once again ordaining my body with art. Thats right. It is once again tattoo time. I'm of a somewhat firm belief that tattoos should express something of meaning. This tattoo is of the word "Faith", I think the meaning is pretty self explanatory, sort of. It's a reminder to myself. A reminder that this world isn't a very stable place. That the things we have aren't guaranteed to stick around. The only truly stable thing is God. So I'm getting this permanent addition to continually remind me to trust him. It's a tough lesson to learn, and I'm a slow learner. I figure this way its always right there to remind me when I forget.

Faith itself is a tough concept to wrap my mind around I find. To believe in what you can't see. It's a hard concept I think. I can totally understand why to those that don't believe in God, faith seems like a false concept. I think the best metaphor for it that I've heard was that faith is like the wind. You can't see the wind, just the effects of the wind. Its the same with faith. We may not be able to see what we believe in, but we can see the effects of it. I've seen God do some powerful things, from allowing a women who medically couldn't have children give birth, to a mans blood stream being purged of carbon monoxide poisoning in a time frame that the doctors couldn't understand it possibly happening in. I know he works in peoples lives, and yet at times I find it really hard to have faith. Its bewildering. I can't even really take that any further, because I don't know how to explain what I mean really.

And so I will go back to counting the hours until my skin is pierced again and again and ink flows into the wounds. Until my body is permanently changed. Until I mark this new beginning with an outward example of an inward journey.

And thus it begins...

Again. Seems that life is full of beginnings, some times we choose to begin again, and others, its chosen for us it seems. This point in my life is one of the latter. I don't feel the necessity to delve into the details behind this apparent new beginning, but in a nut shell it was an un-enjoyable experience for me. However It was, I believe, a much needed experience. I'm seeing that as things continue to happen, God has his hand in my life.

Seems he's trying to tell me its time to straighten up and get things in order. Enough being the stagnant Christian I have been for a long time. I honestly wish that the circumstances could have been different. That heartache wasn't required for me to receive the proverbial slap in the face. But me being me, I guess God figured it would be a pretty effective way of throwing a curve into my life and knocking me back to take a look. As the youth pastor of the church I attend said to me, Sometimes you need to experience stuff first hand to get the message, thats paraphrased but its basically the idea. Someone can tell you that something isn't a good idea, but sometimes we choose to ignore their advice and need to experience the lows to get it. I apparently needed to hit this low though for my eyes to be opened.

Not only was God speaking to me about my current station in life, but also to our head pastor at the church as well. Seems that Gods been speaking to him about me, which is strange and yet amazing to me, and as such some things are changing for me. For one, I'm not on a worship team anymore, or involved in anything at the church for that matter. This is strange for me, because I've been involved with something at church for a long long time, and have been playing on a worship team for years now. It's going to be an adjustment for me to not be involved. I am also joining with a mentor at the church. I'm kind of excited for that. I'm not sure what its all about, but the idea is a good one, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for that. After a while, we'll see if I get back involved with things at the church. I'm trying not to allow myself to really have any preconceived notions of whether I will or won't get involved again until the time comes around. I just need to try and focus on my spiritual walk, and where I am in life.

Its sad to me that we as people seem to require a bad experience for us to focus on whats important really. I mean it makes sense, when things are good, why sit back and look at things to see where we're at. But at the same time. If we stood back and looked at things when they are going good, couldn't we possibly save ourself from some of the emotional roller coaster that we experience?

I don't know where God is taking me. Only that he is. I know that "he knows the plans he has for me". Its an exciting, and somewhat frightening time for me, but I trust him to support me and help me grow. So here's to new beginnings. Those we choose, and those that choose us.